The Flying Fish: God's Hangover
God sat calmly and quietly upon an ever-looming cloud, circling omni-presently above the green paradise known as Eden. This day was different than God’s usual days as creator of the world; he felt almost lonely, and desired to create a new type of physical specimen that he may observe and pass judgment upon. So, God summoned up his powers, or whatever he used to manifest certain objects, and created the first Man, whom he called Adam.
Adam lived happily within the Garden of Eden; simply lounging around the heavenly brightness while time seemed to stop dead. But after some time, Adam grew lonely just like God had when he decided to create Adam. One day, Adam spoke out to God, “Oh Lord! Much boredom and solitude has taken toll upon me, may you craft me a companion so that we may share this paradise together?” At this, God removed a piece of Adam’s rib, and spawned the first Woman, whom he called Eve.
When the two united, God appeared and said unto them, “I have given this paradise to you so that you may live happily amongst my other creations. I have but one thing to ask of you. Do not converse with the serpent, for he is far craftier than any other living within this garden. Do not listen and do not follow his instructions. Above anything, do not eat the fruit of the forbidden tree. And I’m out. Peace.” At this Adam and Eve went to the forbidden tree to examine it.
As they approached it, a serpent appeared. Adam and Eve looked at each other, then back at the serpent, then at each other, then the serpent. “This is all too familiar”, said Adam.
“Yes, you’re quite right”, replied Eve, smiling.
The two nodded, the serpent began to slither away, but was too slow. Adam jumped upon the serpent and began stomping with his bear feet. Eve summoned a shovel and sliced off the serpent’s head. Adam and Eve then gave each other props and dusted off their shoulders. At this, God spoke from up above, “You have killed one of my own creations. For this, you are banished.”
And Adam and Eve sat outside Eden’s gates; cold and naked, seeing winged serpents crawling all over their brains for eternity.
This is the birth of heavy metal and tattoos. And sodomy. And microwaves. And mankind.
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